With my graduation fast approaching I've begun to ponder the biased political education I've received at Geneseo. How has my understanding of the world been skewed by this liberal echo chamber over the last four years?
For a crash course on reality, I sat down with a wide swath of fictitious characters to discuss the relevant issues of the day. Here are some excerpts from my upcoming book, "Dave's Excellent Adventure."
David Lombardo: What do you think about the current pirate situation?
Captain Jack Sparrow: It's a sad state of affairs which stems from a high level of unemployment, specifically in a place like Somalia. There, for example, former fishermen have become so desperate that they've turned to this life. Savvy?
DL: And….
JS: Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me!
DL: Are you excited about the large allotment of funds President Barack Obama has allocated in the budget to approach universal coverage?
John Q: My kid got his heart and I get free insurance while I'm in jail serving out my sentence for kidnapping, so I'm over that issue. What I'm worried about is those Guantanamo prisoners joining the general population.
DL: Are you inspired by the recent tea parties?
Johnny Tremain: Frankly, I was unmoved. Back in the day we had to deal with Gov. Thomas Hutchinson and he was a real hard ass compared to this sissy President Obama. Plus, we sons of liberty reserved tea bagging for pranks on the Lobsterbacks.
DL: How do you feel about the first family's dog selection?
Lassie: Bark! Bark! Bark!
DL: What's that, girl? Sasha fell in a well?
Brian Griffin: Lassie's offended they didn't pick an American dog. I don't speak great Collie, but I think Lassie's xenophobic.
DL: Are you encouraged about the economy in light of recent signs of improvement, or is recovery still a long way off as these upticks are inconsequential?
George Bailey: We're not out of the woods yet, which is why we still need to stick together. Everyone needs to be calm and remember that things have a way of working themselves out - like that one Christmas Eve when a police officer spontaneously tore up my arrest warrant. If we're not careful though, the Mr. Potters of the world will snatch it all up from us, which is why we need to learn from our mistakes with tough predatory lending laws.
DL: Are you discouraged by the rumblings in Texas, where Republican Gov. Rick Perry is contemplating secession? Or is it just a stunt to protect his right flank since he'll face a tough primary challenge from Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison?
Inman: I just want to return to Cold Mountain so I can be with Ada.
DL: Is it fair to label Obama a socialist because he wants to implement a more progressive tax code?
Robin Hood: I'm not really political, man. My whole shtick was a way to meet babes.
DL: Are conservatives making too big of a deal about Obama's bow to the Saudi king and his handshake with Hugo Chavez?
President David Palmer: No. He's weakened our position in the world by kowtowing to these dictators and has proven that the American people aren't in good hands.
Dave Lombardo is a senior poli-sci major who has surely by now exhausted his store of ridiculous column ideas.