Remember the days when all that mattered was whether or not Ash caught the next Pokémon? The days when you’d run off the bus to watch the latest epic faceoff on “Power Rangers?”
When we were kids, TV was cheesy action gold. Even the worst shows were pure brilliance. So why is today’s bad so bad?
After watching a marathon of Saturday morning cartoons, I’ve decided that after a torrent of “Pokémon” knockoffs involving everything from dinosaurs to food creatures – I kid you not – and a flood of badly dubbed Japanese shows, the people who come out with kids cartoons have literally. Given. Up.
I only wish I was exaggerating, but take one look at what’s playing on Saturday mornings now: “Dragon Ball Z Kai,” a literal redub of the original series, original episodes of “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” with awkward comic book animations edited in, and golden oldie “The Magic School Bus.”
Not that I mind reliving my childhood each Saturday, but what about today’s kids? What do they have to call their own? Card games on motorcycles and cheesy Disney sitcoms?
Something needs to change, or the youth of today will have nothing to get them through the school week. And with no reason to get through school, education will plummet and eventually America will fall to the illiterate masses.
Without further ado, I present to you my ultimate lineup that will undoubtedly preserve the future of American education:
“Power Rangers: Titans”
Think about it! Power Rangers crossed with Greek gods? You know the kiddies would love it when the red ranger summoned his Zeusazord to fight the power of Hades and his Cerberuszord. And I’m sure Zordon and Alpha wouldn’t mind chilling in the Parthenon instead of in some random mountain.
“Adventures of Young Jesse Goldberg”
Why not? He was probably bench pressing planets by 12, and goodness knows we need a physically fit role model to combat the obesity epidemic.
“Origami King”
You notice how many kid shows are about becoming king of something? King of the pirates, king of card games, king of dinosaurs, etc.? I want to see a show about a bunch of rambunctious tweens competing in overdramatic origami competitions, where everyone seeks to perform the ultimate fold.
The truly sad thing is my horrendous shows would probably be better than anything TV currently has to offer. Put that in your heavily censored, digitally remastered, poorly voice-acted cauldron and stir it.