Sadie Baker and Shannon Dennehy, Class of 2013
There is finally an issue that the Catholic Church and lesbians agree on!
We think it’s only appropriate to respond to an article by two men with a letter by two lesbians who are equally invested in stripping women of their natural rights. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that all lesbians are feminists. No, my good sirs – we objectify women like it’s our job. On that line, we agree with you: As people who are in no danger whatsoever of getting pregnant ourselves, we are obviously more clear minded and qualified to talk about the issue than any heterosexual female.
We can confidently say that it should be no trouble at all for women to pay $9 per month for birth control. That’s only, what, three “cups of Starbucks,” right? Of course, between you and us (don’t tell the women), those types of birth control (Ortho-Cyclen and Ortho Tri-Cyclen) come with the lovely side effects of nausea, weight gain, headaches, sore breasts and breakthrough bleeding.
A different commonly prescribed kind of birth control, with much lower doses of hormones and significantly fewer side effects, Loestrin, is $89 per month. No worries, though! That’s only 29 and a half “cups of Starbucks.” Suck it up, ladies!
Honestly, all of their whining gets on our nerves. If they had only been born men (or turned lesbian; we’re always for that), they wouldn’t have to deal with it! Now, it’s been brought to our attention that some of our friends who aren’t having gratuitous premarital sex with men have been prescribed birth control for various other reasons.
One young lady spent one week per month in high school vomiting into the porcelain throne because her cramps were so severe. That is until she started taking birth control, which significantly reduces pain and discomfort during menstrual cycles (sorry, we know “menstruation” isn’t a word that men like to hear). To her, we have only one word to say: Ibuprofen. Or a nice friend to pat your back while you vomit – either way.
There is also the 5 – 10 percent of the female population who suffer from endometriosis or other uterine problems that can cause severe pain and often lead to cancer. For many of them, regular cheap birth control doesn’t have an effect. Well, there’s always surgery. Thank god we don’t have to deal with that crap, right, men?
We guess we shouldn’t even talk about “natural family planning,” since we asked a nurse at Lauderdale Health Center if she would recommend it and her response was, “Absolutely not.” She said that her aunt tried that and ended up with 12 children! You know what’s a better way to avoid having kids? Don’t ever have sex. In fact, if humans just stopped having children altogether for a while we could “decrease the surplus population,” like good ol’ Scrooge advocates for in A Christmas Carol.
-Sadie Baker and Shannon Dennehy, Class of 2013