Don’t argue. It is a universally acknowledged truth that clowns are the sexiest Halloween monster. If you have to date a spooky creature, you should immediately run toward, not away from, from the grinning person decked in colorful face paint.
Even though we just said you shouldn’t argue with this premise, we’ll assume that you’re reading this article only to find some flaw in our logic. You won’t, but in case you’re offered the chance to hook up with a Halloween monster and your first instinct isn’t to kiss the clown, we’ll offer you some evidence.
If you were to compile a list of monsters that are most often associated with Halloween, you’d probably include vampires, werewolves, Frankenstein’s monster, ghosts and clowns. We’re omitting witches because, thanks to the rising popularity of the witch/wiccan subculture, society has learned that witches are neither monsters nor seasonal.
It should be noted that we aren’t including John Wayne Gacy in any kind of hot clown category, since he’s the absolute worst and we hate him. Only pleasant and slightly magical creatures are allowed on the Halloween monsters list. That being said, if the hot clown you’re into is a murderer who happens to be fictitious, you’ve got our permission. Full steam ahead.
So, you’d rather date a vampire than a clown. Vampires literally have to suck blood to survive which means they’d be attracted to you for the wrong reasons. If you’ve seen Twilight, you don’t really need an argument against vampires—Edward Cullen is the worst. He’s an old guy who preys on a teenage girl and creeps on other peoples’ thoughts. That could be your entire life if you dated a vampire. Think about that.
Werewolves are actually part animal. That means on full moons, when they go crazy and become abnormally large dogs, your werewolf partner can’t really consent to anything and you have to be super careful regarding monthly cycles to ensure you know how to interact with your, er, furry friend. Honestly, we’d suggest avoiding dating a werewolf on the basis of bestiality alone.
Frankenstein’s monster brings up another consent issue because, depending on the version of Frankenstein’s lore you’re into, they may not have a fully functioning brain. Frankenstein’s monster is also made up of body parts from various people, so you’d have to come to terms with that before dating your monster or monsters.
Ghosts are tricky. If you want to date a ghost, you’ll need to make absolutely sure that this specter is not actually a demon in disguise. If your ghost-significant-other turns out to be a demon, call a priest or something—that’s a big red flag. If this ghost isn’t a demon, you’ll have to deal with the baggage that comes with your significant other having already lived a literal lifetime of heartbreak and loss. You’ll also have to worry about your ghost’s reason for remaining on Earth, because if that reason is easily resolved, your ghost could disappear on you forever at any time with no real remorse. Sorry.
And here we are: the clown category. There really aren’t any downsides to a clown. They’re human, more or less, but can offer the strange uncanny valley effect that scares you until you really get to know them. Once you’re in love, your clown can creep everyone else out except you so that you’re safe forever. Ideal.
Clowns spend time every morning doing their fantastic face makeup in the mirror, which means you can do your morning routines at the same time. You can even give each other makeovers as a fun date idea. You could also paint each others’ nails or try on various colorful clown outfits. Clowns just sound fun to hang out with.
Clowns can also be gender nonconforming or gender neutral, so they’re friends of the LGBTQ+ community. You’re likely to find a dateable clown who happens to suit the needs of your own sexual and romantic identity. Cis male clowns are the least toxically masculine men you’ll ever meet.
Clowns will always have a particularly fantastic sense of humor. Every other kind of monster is too self-important to make you laugh, but not clowns. If you date a clown, you’ll be laughing until your sides hurt every time you get together. What’s better than that? Nothing.
Date a clown, people. It’s not that hard to grasp.