The Ozone

Where should I take my new girlfriend for a Valentine’s Day date?

While some might say that the Gazebo is the ultimate in romantic Geneseo getaways, I believe there is a plethora of underappreciated hot spots in town. The quiet floor in the library is a great location for a new couple to get to know each other; its intimate atmosphere stamps out awkward silences altogether. Not to mention, if you get bored with the date, you can just take a nap or pull out your homework. If you’re feeling particularly romantic, however, check out the local hardware store. Comparing shades of white paint and reading power tool packages is an easy way to inspire new chemistry. 

I was just dumped and I’m lonely on Valentine’s Day. What can I do to get my mind off things?

The best way to get over a rough holiday like Valentine’s Day is to eat. Be sure to devote at least a couple of hours to shameless feasting and then a few more to obsessive snacking. The fact that you’re single and it’s Valentine’s Day gives you the distinct privilege and right to eat other people’s food off of their plates and to leave wrappers and crumbs shamelessly wherever you go. I recommend eating as much chocolate cake as possible and avoiding all physical activity for the best Valentine’s Day experience. Even if you’re in a relationship, consider chowing down. It’s probably more enjoyable than whatever activity you were planning on doing with your significant other anyway.

After an awkward interaction at a local bar, I have a friend who obviously wants to date me and I suspect that they will make a move on Valentine’s Day. What can I do to counter their advances?

This situation is easier to handle than you’d expect. When your friend brings up romance, all you need to do is stare. Don’t say anything or make sudden movements and try to not blink if possible. Do this for as long as necessary. When your friend finally gives up and leaves, you’ve succeeded. Continue your friendship without ever mentioning the interaction again.

My professor is really cute and I want to stand out on Valentine’s Day. How can I make him notice me despite all of the other girls in my class with crushes on him?

The most professional way to convey your feelings to your professor is to make him feel appreciated. Go to your class at least 30 minutes early to wait for him, and when he arrives, stand beside the podium until the last possible second asking him incessant questions. During class, be sure to actively participate in the conversation. Raise your hand even when you’re clueless about the answer to his question. In order to display your intellect, make a point to drive the conversation onto unrelated tangents with strange questions and unnecessary debates. When class ends, rush back to his podium to compliment him on the interesting topics discussed today. Don’t worry about the growing line of students with legitimate questions behind you. Later that night, as you send multiple follow-up emails commenting on the assigned reading, his understanding of your feelings will be concrete.