I hate to break it to you, humanity, but we lost. We have officially been invaded by an alien power that is much, much smarter than us. I'm not sure when or where the invasion occurred; maybe it was "Roswell," maybe Neverland Ranch, maybe within the womb of whatever birthed Sarah Palin. Either way, we're screwed. How were we tricked? And how do I know?

The following 500 words are probably useless. The audience I'm trying to reach won't take the time to read this, and if they do, they won't care. So why even bother?

I feel like Uncle Sam, the media and I have recently taken our relationship to a much more intimate level. Debate surrounds federal funding for abortion, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released findings that claim human papillomavirus from oral sex causes more cases of mouth cancer than tobacco, and breast milk pumps were just added to a list of tax-deductible medical devices.

The phrase "sponsored by mandatory student activity fees" is literally everywhere on campus. It's like all that incomprehensible gibberish car commercials cram into the last few seconds with a speedy voiceover. It's a constant, yet slightly annoying, comfort; we're used to it. Well, Geneseo, I have big news. That phrase only exists because we, as students, vote for it.

The United States Constitution grants the freedoms of speech, petition and assembly –been there, learned that in elementary school. It is startling, then, that so few Americans use these rights to complain about our government and the way it works.

I love Taco Bell, and judging by the impressive line in Mary Jemison Dining Hall each weekday, I'm not the only one. Therefore, I should not be alone in my concern and alarm that our precious mecca of gooey cheez ("cheese" would imply an actual dairy product, not the orange goo that comes in a Taco Bell burrito), crunchy tortillas and steamy beans is under attack.

The American media has created a toxic environment full of seething rhetoric, vitriol, hatred and bigotry according to, ironically, the American media. I don't know about the rest of you, but I must have some weird antibody or something because all of this supposedly ubiquitous media poison has yet to hurt me.

This year, Thanksgiving break brought turmoil along with the turkey in the form of a massive threat to national security and international stability. Yes, I am going to sacrifice writing about this last break's wonders of home cooked meals to address "Terror Code Orange: The Basketball Bombing."

Three hundred dollars. Along with being quite a hefty sum of money in College Kid Land, this monetary amount has become the focus of an alarmingly widespread on-campus myth about Campus Auxiliary Services.

Third quarter results are in and BP is officially out of the brown and into the black. Brown, of course, being the color of the thousands of barrels of sticky toxic oil goo that were violently spewed from a BP oil rig into the Gulf of Mexico last spring, and black being the color of the souls of BP executives and a sign of the company’s recent $1.79 billion profit.

With two majors, a minor and plans to study abroad, I think it's safe to say that I'm milking Geneseo for all its academic worth.

By the end of this year, the New York Power Authority will conclude its review of proposals for the Great Lakes Offshore Wind Project, a plan to install between 60 and 160 clean energy-producing wind turbines off the shores of Lake Ontario and Lake Erie.

Anyone with a video camera and an Internet connection can broadcast himself to the world; it's not that hard. Usually, unless you're that guy from "Evolution of Dance," the world doesn't care. Unfortunately, the extreme accessibility of online broadcasting can be problematic.

Something on campus is bothering me. It's just as uncomfortable as a Humans vs. Zombies altercation and even more confusing than those girls who walk around in booty shorts and fuzzy Uggs. Most of all, spitting is disgusting.

Everything is corny. While most things in this world are funny in a stupid way, that's not what I'm talking about.

As leaves start to change and temperatures drop, thousands of students transform into college football fanatics.

We're back! Everyone is all moved in, classes have started, friends are reunited and our bodies are beginning to once again adjust to the mean combination of little sleep and lots of CAS food.

The state of Arizona now requires all citizens to carry identification and legal documentation as well as to submit to random questioning from any police officer at any time. The grounds for questioning? Looking "suspicious."