Halloween Amusements

For Halloween in 1994, my mom sewed me a Lamb Chop costume that pretty accurately mimicked the childhood puppet favorite, minus Shari Lewis’ hand and voice controlling my every move. The full-fleece body suit was cozy and, in my opinion, pretty funny. Needless to say, I looked and felt pretty good.

But to wear a Lamb Chop costume today for a college-aged woman is different; it would have to be a sexy or a dominatrix lamb because a costume without either of those qualities deems me both unattractive and homely, naturally. Since we live under an unyielding gaze that fools us into thinking that it’s wrong to do otherwise, some of us feel trapped in the cycle of animal ears and sex-ridden, unfunny and unspooky outfits that transform an ancient celebration into a glorified orgy, if you will.

In the attempt to grasp the blurred line between sexy and awesome, Halloween is now more overwhelming than anyone ever wanted, at least for some of us.

I’m not sure if the topic is incidental, or even amusing, especially on a broader level, but since it’s Halloween I thought I’d scare some readers into inspiration. Now, I’m not undermining the empowering sexiness that can come with a righteous Halloween costume. I’m all for being, feeling and living sexy.

But dressing hotly for anyone but you and for the wrong reasons only sustains the grip that society has on us, and it makes an appearance every Halloween. It’s one thing to dress as awesome Lara Croft and threaten people with a whip that you made yourself; it’s another thing to buy the “Naughty Little Red” costume from Party City that is made of felt and tissue paper for $49.99 and sits next to “Mile High Captain.”

See what I mean? Just don’t shop at Party City, for one thing. But the other thing is that there’s so much more to Halloween than those shitty costumes that allow us to be pornified, year after year. Book characters, puns, metaphors, TV role models: The list goes on, as does the potential for wittiness, humor and downright awesomeness.

While some of us are expected to wear petite onesies, football jerseys without pants, and ass-bearing miniskirts, I see Halloween as a chance for us to be anyone in the world, and the world is a lot to work with that goes beyond using yourself as something to sexify, only because you’re told to do so by places like Party City.

I encourage all of us to aim for hilarity over skimpy, scary over submissive and smart over stupid. All of those together make for a sexiness that carries itself past Halloween throughout the year – maybe you won’t even need a costume this time around.

Incidental Amusements

It began Sept. 27 when Geneseo experienced a most wonderful time of the year. Main Street was absurdly crowded and you saw people over the age of 25 frolicking around campus – people who aren’t your professors, employers or President Christopher Dahl. I am speaking, of course, about Homecoming Weekend. Unfortunately, Homecoming Weekend is just a regular weekend for my circle of friends, confidants and random acquaintances. The only thing that is different is that the lines at off-campus eateries are just as long as the line for Lotus at Fusion Market.

You would think that I, as a junior, have ties to at least some of the 2013 graduates. This is a true statement, but I know only one alumna who fits that description and also participated in homecoming. Most of the other alumni are busy, ya know, being back at home, which is where I would like to be right now.

The alumni that do come to visit, however, typically have ties to an organization or sports team. Or they donate a boatload of money to the college and like to make an appearance now and then. I’m not saying that any of these ties are negative – their money and time are surely improving my life as a Geneseo student with every passing day.

Another reason these people with time and money come back to campus is to “connect with students” and to do this thing called networking. Have there been students who successfully met alumni that eventually pave the path for their future? Absolutely. Have I been as successful? Not quite. As an undergrad with social quirks, trying to talk to a bunch of fancy alumni all in the same room literally has me riding the struggle bus.

Let’s talk about the children of the alumni for a second. It’s like they bring those chubby little thunder thighs as a ploy to get undergrads to talk to them: “Oh yes, we did make undeniably cute children … want to ask us all about them?” Does it work? My maternal instincts can probably answer that for me, but my social fears totally try to deny it.

As I nag about the tidal wave of alumni that come to visit each semester, I also must realize that I will be an alumna in just a few semesters. Will I come back to visit? Well that depends: Will I have money to pay for gas and food or even for an endowment for a scholarship? Will I have underclassmen friends that can house me for free? Will I have undeniably cute children to use as a conversation starter? Maybe if the alumni now can help me achieve these things, then I’ll be gracing my presence across the whole valley

Incidental Amusements

Whether you had an iPhone 5 or a 2008 Motorola RAZR, it was impossible to avoid the mindless virtual destruction of the new iOS 7 operating system as it emerged from Apple’s digitized womb on Sept. 18. Not a soul was spared as the campus Wi-Fi crumbled under the stress of countless eager downloads. Logging onto myCourses became impossible and students who normally watch cat videos and distort photos of Brad Pitt’s face during class had to resort to doodling in the margins of their notebooks.

I started my iOS 7 download the minute it was available, promptly at 1 p.m. I waited with glee, preparing to dish out a fresh dose of Apple-themed hate to all of my friends and acquaintances.

I spent the first 20 minutes imagining how they would laugh at my insightful complaints about the useless rearrangements and uninteresting new ringtones. With another 28 minutes of estimated download time, I did some homework, unable to keep my eyes off the glowing blue bar for more than 20 seconds at a time. At 10 minutes to completion, I looked for a diversion at Starbucks and waited 15 minutes for a tall drink and a scone.

I rushed back to my phone, scone in hand, preparing myself to experience the glory of redesigned app icons and 33 new backgrounds. I was met with disappointment when somehow 10 minutes remaining turned into 20 minutes, and I was faced with five minutes more to wait.

At this point in my journey to iOS 7 bliss, I was windblown, psychologically scarred and physically exhausted. Five more minutes were impossible. Sulking alone wouldn’t be enough consolation for me to bear the next five minutes.

Instead, I found some fellow iPhone users and jumped into a circular conversation of complaints about software downloads. When we weren’t discussing the endless download time, we were laughing at someone who said they didn’t want to download iOS 7 because they didn’t need it or they didn’t have enough space.

“Come on, just delete some stuff,” we said to them. “It’ll be worth it.”

Our reassurance was usually enough to get stragglers to part with half of their 1-year-old pictures and retired apps, even if we all knew we’d be trashing iOS 7 in a matter of hours. Thoroughly satisfied by the well-thought-out arguments and intelligent discourse of the iPhone-holding populous, I returned to my phone triumphant. The download was finished, but I still had to install the iOS 7 software onto my phone.

After an initial period of dejection when I contemplated going underground and sticking with iOS 6, I hit the install button. Then I got bored and walked away and forgot about my phone for a couple of hours.

When I finally explored iOS 7 for myself, all I did was change the background. When it comes to using the supposed new features, I’m lost. All I know is, when someone asks me, “Did you get iOS 7?” I can happily say yes.

Incidental Amusements

When I first applied to Geneseo, everyone who thought they knew a thing or two about Geneseo always commented about one thing: the weather. They told me, “Get ready for the cold,” and “You’ll see a lot of snow.” People even warned me about how I would barely see spring-like weather until I left for summer. These so called “Geneseo experts” neglected to warn me about the weather mood swings that I would encounter in the next few years! A warning would’ve been nice for my wardrobe, especially in regard to what to bring at the beginning of the semester. When I first packed for Geneseo, I made sure to have all of my cozy sweaters and my oh-so-warm and fashionable Ugg boots ready to go for September, leaving behind my denim shorts and overworn flip flops. But during my first year, I learned that Geneseo actually experiences summer until late September, so I continued to bring more shorts and less warmth.

That plan screwed me over this semester when it was cold during the second week of classes, and I only had one hoodie to spare; as a busy college junior navigating academics and cocurricular activities, I spent many days chilled as I walked through the valley because I didn’t have time to do my laundry. Do I blame my lack of time management or my inability to realize when I have too much going on? Absolutely not. I blame my so-called “friends” who told me about the weather in the first place.

While on the topic of clothing, I’d also like to point out how I was not told in advance about the weather changes within the same day. When I wake up in the morning, I always make sure to consult my all-knowing iPhone 4 for the day’s weather. If I see it’s going to be 54 degrees, I’m automatically going to throw on a pair of jeans or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. As I go through the day, the temperature goes up 20 degrees or so; this leaves me to sweat all the calories I consumed the day before.

Another thing I would’ve liked to know is how the weather would affect my academics. No one ever told me – until I got here, of course – how hot Welles Hall gets when it’s hot out or when the heat is turned on. You’ll find yourself sitting in the middle of a political science lecture or a literature discussion, and all of a sudden you’re overcome with so much sweat and heat that you can no longer focus on the class. How am I supposed to pass when all I can think about is getting out of that sauna?

As I lament over my qualms of the rollercoaster that is the Geneseo weather, I wonder why I chose this school in the first place. Had anyone warned me about the weather, I might’ve considered another school where all four season are present 25 percent of the year. But I guess it’s too late to transfer now, so instead I will remain angry at all those fools who had no clue about the Geneseo weather.

Incidental Amusements

Have you heard? Probably. Wegmans has free stuff during September. You know how they say that there ain’t no such thing as free lunch? This is literally free lunch. We walk out of the store with a box of double-stuffed “W-Os” like thieves in the night only to be told to come back next week for free frozen pizzas. Right on. I’ll see you there, cashier Ryan.

And those coupon booklets they have? Yeah, no one keeps track of those. Stock up now and go back every day for your free stuff. There’s no shame in cheating the system. Trust me: Wegmans expects it of us, as college students. If you’re really paranoid about going back for a second set of coupons, pick up a mask from the Spirit Halloween store, conveniently in the same plaza. What motivates Wegmans to give away its off-brand packaged goodies to savage kids who each end up with 18 bottles of mouthwash and six different flavors of cookies? From a business perspective, the company can’t actually expect kids to love these familiar products so much that eventually they come back for more to pay real money for them, right? From another business perspective, Wegmans can’t actually care about the well-being of its customers by offering free things, can it? We’re talking profit maximization here, not consumer welfare.

When we’re dealing with free food, the stakes are high. With only one week per item, you need to be quick and on your toes. I remember last year Wegmans actually ran out of the frozen pizzas by the fourth day of free pizza week. All hell broke loose when Wegmans had no backup plan; not even DiGiorno could save us.

It’s the drive of students that motivates Wegmans, really; by “drive” I mean the ability to find free things – especially food – and totally exploit them to the point at which it’s almost inappropriate.

Because we go to a state school and we know what’s expected of us, seek out your opportunities immediately and exhaust the shit out of them. Wegmans coupons are just another way to pin students against one another to see who can make the biggest fiend of themselves in the rush toward the end. You got seven boxes of cereal? Well, I have 21 stashed in my room. Do you want to see the storage space I rented? It’s filled with Greek yogurt.

Another competition unfolds. Just as with anything, we want to be the best and let everyone know that it’s true; it’s in our blood.

It’s sickening, what they do, really. They’re like the The Hunger Games, Wegmans coupons. The company knows we’re competitive and knows we’re greedy. By taking us in our most vulnerable state, as hungry recipients of free food, it makes a gimmick out of us. We’re the laughing stock, the village idiots - don’t you get it?

You should never go back. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid that wretched place like the plague. Shop at Wal-Mart instead. Trust me. From one student to another, there is nothing to see at Wegmans, especially not free food.

Incidental Amusements

“Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I’m not a fool. I’ve got my lunch packed up and my boots tied tight. I hope I don't get in a fight. Back to school.” This song from the classic movie starring Adam Sandler, Billy Madison, has been stuck in my head all week, which could only mean one thing: School has started once again and another summer has come to a close. No more leisure reading, exciting internships or traveling. It is time to get back into the daily grind and work, work, work. Don’t get me wrong; starting school isn’t all that bad. I don't know about you, but for me it was definitely time to return to Geneseo to see some good friends, get back in the swing of things and of course enjoy the freedom of “living on my own.” It’s just as the second week of school comes to a close that I’m noticing those beginning-of-the-year woes rearing their ugly heads again.

Let’s travel back and take the first day of classes as an example. You’re feeling those first-day-of-school butterflies, which even as a junior in college I still feel. You’re a little anxious – not exactly excited or nervous, but maybe both. You pick out your best new fall outfit, but associating school with autumn doesn't seem to work anymore, since school for us begins in August and it’s still a billion degrees outside. But don't feel bad, I continue to forget this every year and attempt to wear some variation of jeans and a sweater.

Then you’re ready to leave your residence hall or apartment extra early to locate your classroom, even though it’s Geneseo and you don’t really need that much time. Now you’re sitting outside in the hall super early, waiting and hoping that a friend, or at the very least an acquaintance, is taking the same class as you. As you’re waiting, you see at least two people with the same exact backpack as you walk by. But I’m probably the only one who notices that last point.

The biggest and most irritating thing of all, however, has to be the myth and the legend that is “Syllabus Week.” We’ve all heard it or at least expected it. We think that the first week will be a nice, slow week that will ease us into the academic year ahead. But we were wrong. From the very first day of classes, the work starts rolling in: pages and pages of reading to be done, papers to be written so soon and homework to be completed.

For some reason, this neck-bracing pace always shocks me. When will I ever learn? When will I finally admit that the beginning-of-school blues are simply unavoidable, no matter how much of nerd I am?