Porgs (pictured above) are a round bird-like creature from the modern Star Wars universe. Even though these tiny, squishable animals are irresistibly adorable, they aren’t perfect enough to distract from Disney’s corporate monopoly over the entertainment business (courtesy of Daztibbles on deviantart).
Like the Death Star in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Tuesday Nov. 12 served as the day the world bore witness to the fully armed and operational battle station that is Disney+. Since Disney, the entertainment world’s evil empire, added Star Wars to its ever-increasing roster of intellectual property, the company has added four—soon to be five—films to the franchise’s storied canon. For better and for worse, the House of Mouse is responsible for taking care of the galaxy far far away.
Aside from the planet-destroying implications that the streaming service has on the entertainment industry at large, its release also marks the premiere of the company’s most recent edition to Star Wars lore, and the first Disney-produced television series in the franchise: “The Mandalorian.” In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, showrunner Jon Favreau explained how “[he loves] the idea of the darker, freakier side of Star Wars, the Mad Max aspect of Star Wars.”
“The Mandalorian” has been promoted as the grittiest, most intense look at the franchise yet and serves as the new streaming service’s crown jewel of programming at release. As a Star Wars fan, I can’t help but be excited at the potential to explore a new aspect of the fictional universe I grew up with, but it comes at the potential cost of every other non-Disney bit of entertainment that I love.
The only good thing to come from Disney+ and its planetary annihilation of the entertainment industry is not “The Mandalorian,” nor is it the decades and decades of Disney backlog that can be found on the service. The best part of Disney+ is that it allows you to stream Star Wars: The Last Jedi whenever you so choose, which means you can experience the only joy left in the apocalyptic, capitalist hellscape wrought by this streaming giant. Porgs, WTF?
For the uninitiated, Porgs are the pure, perfect bird-like creatures native to the planet Ahch-To, where self-exiled jedi Luke Skywalker was taking refuge, that debuted in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. In reality, Porgs were inspired by the real-life puffins that populated the island wildlife preserve of Skellig Michael—the real location that stands in for Ahch-To, off the coast of Ireland—which could not be removed physically and caused writer/director Rian Johnson to think “well, that’s great, let’s have our own indigenous species,” according to the Star Wars website.
Consider the humble Porg and its dumb, adorable face. Look at those eyes, innocent to the world’s evils, Disney’s toxic business practices and really just everything other than Chewbacca’s savage appetite. Even Chewbacca isn’t immune to Porgs’ charms, however, as, by the film’s end, he bonds with the creatures to form the best odd couple since R2-D2 and C-3PO.
Porgs are unendingly curious. When they aren’t nearly disintegrating themselves by mistakenly igniting a lightsaber, they’re taking a nibble on their Wookie friend to see if his nickname, “Chewie,” is a literal one. Their babies are called “Porglets” and a group of the creatures is called a “murder;” what’s not to love?
These beautiful little idiots are the latest in the Star Wars franchise’s proud history of inventing the cutest, most lovable creatures in the galaxy. Like the huggable and savage Ewoks of Return of the Jedi, Porgs are evidence that purity and sweetness can exist even in a galaxy relentlessly ruled by an oppressive fascist regime.
Too bad we don’t live in a fictional space world, though—we’re stuck in America, where the closest thing we have to the purity of Ewoks or Porgs is the WeRateDogs Twitter account.
We live in a world where people not only accept our evil empire, they embrace it. The excitement and overall warm reception around the launch of Disney+ is like if the Galactic Senate of the Star Wars prequels paid soon-to-be Emperor Palpatine money to execute Order 66 to turn the clones—ahem, Disney canon—into his own personal army and kill the Jedi Order, younglings included.
Folks, Disney+ is the Death Star and I’m not sure there’s an exhaust port we can use to take it down this time around. As much as I wish it weren’t the case, not even Porgs can save us now.