The Grinch (pictured above) is a wrongfully-beloved holiday character. His scare tactics and abusive behavior are characteristic of a politically motivated, malicious agent of chaos. Never again should we trust this green man (courtesy of world domination photos on flickr).
Finally, it’s almost Christmas—or Hanukah, or Kwanza or whatever other early-winter holiday you celebrate, but for the purposes of this column I am discussing Christmas in particular. The reason that I am talking about the Christian holiday specifically is because this article will examine a celebrated Christmas icon who perhaps does not deserve a spot on the pedestal upon which he is often placed.
In 1957, Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, published a much-loved children’s book about a nasty, green man—no, not Shrek—that tried to steal Christmas from the denizens of a town called Whoville. It’s a heart-warming classic as, by the story’s end, our nefarious main character realizes the errors of his ways; his heart famously grows three sizes that day and everyone in the town sings kumbaya and loves each other forever. Yay.
I believe the tale is not given enough critical thought, however, and our dastardly hero is forgiven too easily. He is a criminal and a sinner. The Grinch, WTF?
It’s time to address the elephant in the room: the Grinch is a domestic terrorist. Additionally, the Grinch is guilty of conspiracy, burglary and the intentional infliction of emotional distress, according to the legal blog FindLaw. He is a criminal.
Let’s talk about what I believe to be the most egregious of the Christmas icon’s crimes. The United States Patriot Act states that the qualifiers for whether an act is considered one of domestic terrorism are if its goals are to “intimidate or coerce a civilian population … or to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction.”
The Grinch is guilty of both. He aims to forcibly stop the Whos from celebrating Christmas, is that not coercing a civilian population? In addition to coercing the population, the Grinch intends on destroying the various Christmas paraphernalia he steals from the Whos to further affect the government-recognized Christmas celebration. The fact of the matter is that the Grinch’s plan is a blatant act of terrorism.
His case is not helped by the 2000 live-action Grinch movie which posits that Jim Carrey’s fursona was raised in Whoville. Maybe the Whos don’t recognize our country’s Patriot Act, but the simpler dictionary definition labels a domestic terrorist as “a person who commits terrorist acts in their own country against their fellow citizens.” The Grinch was adopted by Whos and raised in their town, yet he was bullied, exiled and later returns to pursue acts of terror against those countrymen—textbook domestic terrorist.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “okay, so maybe the Grinch was a domestic terrorist. But W.C., he redeems himself! The Grinch can change!” It’s a lovely sentiment and truly the only redeeming quality for this Christmas nightmare, however, it is also the same logic that has kept and will continue to keep people in toxic situations ad infinitum and thus must be addressed.
There’s this little movie I like called Inglourious Basterds, which is basically a historical revisionist fantasy where the Nazis meet an early demise in WWII and Hitler is killed by a squadron of Jewish soldiers—the titular Basterds. Throughout their campaign, the Basterds’ leader ensures that any surviving Nazi soldiers will always be remembered as such, even when they take off their uniform—it’s gruesome, but he carves swastikas into their foreheads. They were Nazis, they deserved it.
The Grinch, however dastardly, is certainly no Nazi. I wish him no bodily harm, and it is fitting that the Whos of Whoville embrace him and welcome him back into their lives because they’re better than all of us. I do think, however, that the viewing public should keep in mind the heinous holiday heathen’s past crimes.
Therefore, I propose a simple amendment to the classic Christmas song “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Rather than letting him off easy and granting him the mild label of “a mean one,” the song should be edited to call him what he truly is: “You’re a Terrorist, Mr. Grinch.”
This shouldn’t change the song’s musical qualities too much, and it’s fittingly a mild punitive measure for the mildest kind of terrorist. Once the change is made, the public can go back to praising the reformed criminal and spreading Christmas cheer.
As for me, even after the Grinch develops late-onset cardiomegaly, I still wouldn’t touch him with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole.