(Courtesy of Rebecca Williamson)
After the Bills’ loss to the Titans on Tuesday Oct. 12, I’ve decided I’m not ready to write about any official sports this week. The unofficial sport we’ll be discussing today is dog walking.
You’ve probably never heard of this extremely niche sport, so I’ll clarify with some ground rules. For starters, this dog walking sport is judged only on the basis of our doggie contestants. Dog walkers are to be ignored by the judge, and no comments about these doggos intend to reflect judgement on their human BFFs.
Puppos with sweaters deserve an especially enthusiastic response from the judge, often accompanied with squeals or giggles, but do not earn any extra bonus points in the ranking system. The judge has not spoken to any of these dog owners; therefore, she has made up fake names for each dog. She will also be using they/them pronouns for each dog since she acknowledges she shouldn’t assume any pronouns, even the pronouns of doggies.
For clarification, every dog on this list is an amazing, wonderful and good dog. Athleticism doesn’t determine worth! That being said, this is a sports article, so we must continue with our very formal rankings of athleticism.
Coming in at number five this week is our good friend Muppet Baby. This very small dog looks to be some kind of black and white Maltese mix and loves to just stare at people. The judge was surprised to find herself subjected to this long stare when she first met Muppet Baby. The judge’s shoe is only slightly smaller than this tiny pup. Muppet Baby was awarded the fifth position this week because they are too small to walk very far and had to be carefully stowed away in a big purse. Muppet Baby was also seen entering Sunset Scoops, the ice cream shop on Main Street in Geneseo. We love that for you, Muppet Baby. No judgement here.
At number four this week, we have Sweet Old One. This doggie is an elderly golden retriever who walks daily down the street that the judge lives on. Sweet Old One loves to smile and has yet to be observed by the judge in a bad mood. They have lovely orange fur that has turned gray on their face and tummy. We love you, Sweet Old One! So proud of you for walking every day; you deserve lots of kisses.
The third spot belongs to Teeny Tiny Teeny this week. Teeny Tiny Teeny looks to be a really small French bulldog puppy who goes on many walks but loves to stop for no reason in the middle of the sidewalk. The judge wishes Teeny Tiny Teeny would choose to stop in front of her house one of these days. This doggo often must be tugged along or gently persuaded before continuing their walk. Good work, TTT.
Our runner-up for this week’s most athletic pup is Smol Leggies, a corgi of astonishing athletic ability. Smol Leggies has to work twice as hard as the other dogs to walk at a normal speed because of, you guessed it, their tiny little legs. The judge has seen Smol Leggies speed down her street many times and likes to cheer them on from a distance. You can outrace the other dogs, little one!
The number one most athletic doggo is actually a cat named Squishy Face. Don’t be mad; this cat deserves their award. Named because of a very flat head, Squishy Face is one of the feral cats that hangs around the judge’s neighborhood. When the judge was taking out the trash, she inadvertently stumbled upon Squishy Face scaling a tree. So far, this is the most impressive feat of athleticism she has witnessed. Congratulations, Squishy Face!
Good work to all the dogs (and cats) out there in my neighborhood. Even if I haven’t seen you outside, you’re doing great. You all deserve awards for being adorable and purely for existing. It’s a tough time right now, so I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy. Well done fuzzy friends!