Sex should be fun for you, and that means you shouldn’t shy away from trying any kinks you’ve discovered that really get you going. It’s okay to want to get down and dirty. No one should be ashamed of the desire to branch out from vanilla experiences, particularly if it’ll enhance their enjoyment of sex.
Most of us have probably had naughtier fantasies than we’ve cared to admit to past lovers, but perhaps it’s time we rethought our prioritization of socially acceptable sex over our enjoyment of sexual experiences. If you want to experiment with your kinkier fantasies, here’s the go-ahead you thought you’d never get.
Reminder: don’t let your friends make you feel like a weirdo just because they tell you they stick to the milder, PG-13 sex scene types of stuff in their own bedrooms. You’re allowed to branch out and experiment if that’s something you want to do, and you don’t even have to tell the group chat about it. Being a freak can be something you keep on the DL—or it can be something you make more public if that’s your type of thing, as long as all parties involved give their consent.
The definition of ‘freaky’ can differ, but let’s start simple for any beginner-freaks out there. You’ve probably heard about the BDSM community. Don’t worry; it’s not as intimidating as most media outlets make it seem. If you’re nervous to enter unfamiliar territory, though, keep in mind that the community will never force you to do anything that you’re not interested in doing. You should participate only of your own free will.
Feel free to take this famous BDSM quiz before you do anything else if you want to determine what you’d be most interested in experimenting with. Take your time. You don’t have to tell anyone else about your results unless you want to. This quiz should be taken entirely in the interest of enhancing your own pleasure.
Great, now you know what you like. So, step one: try stuff on your own. Yeah, this might involve porn, which is kind of a dangerous industry. Stick to sites like the ones described in this article. Maybe check out some erotic comics if you’re suspicious of any porn that includes real humans, because at least drawings can’t be exploited.
In your alone time, look for stuff that really does it for you. Sometimes it’s better to find out what you’re into on your own than with a partner, because you don’t have to have an awkward conversation with yourself about how much something you just tried does the exact opposite of turning you on.
Don’t rush anything. Go at your own pace. Eventually, when and if you’re ready, you may arrive at step two: trying stuff with a trustworthy partner. Emphasis on trustworthy. Here’s where we get into dangerous territory, so trigger warning for discussion of consent. If your partner shows hesitance to stop whatever they’re doing immediately after you tell them to, they are not trustworthy.
Experiment with a safe word or a safe-code system. Having a safe word might be an ominous concept if you’ve never experimented with one before, but honestly, safe words should exist in every sexual relationship, regardless of how vanilla the sex is. Normalize having a quick, no-room-for-misinterpretation way of stopping all physical or verbal activity so you can emotionally check in on your partner(s) as needed.
A safe word should be something both you and your partner will remember, for obvious reasons. You can also use the color-code method, which is simple enough and allows for consistent check-ins if you want them. Basically, you should never, ever feel scared or uncomfortable in any sexual situation.
Open communication is key. Let your partner help you explore what you really want, as long as you stay safe while you do it. Check in with yourself as often as you can. Ask yourself what emotions you’re experiencing, and whether you should verbalize them to your partner(s).
Do you feel the good kind of excitement and anticipation when trying BDSM with your partner, or is something a little off and you suddenly feel afraid and uncomfortable? If it’s the latter, it’s time to use your safe word. You should never feel uncomfortable or scared during sex.
You can always change your mind about having sex with someone or trying a new activity. You never need to justify or explain your discomfort if you don’t want to. Just because you know, trust and are attracted to your sex partner doesn’t mean that you can’t tell them to stop. Prioritize your comfort in the bedroom.
Let sex be as fun as possible. Don’t hold yourself back from thrilling experiences because they may be socially frowned upon. If you want to try something for your own personal excitement and experiences, go for it. You deserve the chance to be a freak in the sheets.