With the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League: Justice is Gray (2021) and the hype surrounding Rob Pattinson’s upcoming role as The Bat in a new spin on the franchise, Batman has been on the brains of anyone into men lately. Since you’re reading this right now, I’ll assume you’re one of those people.
At first, maybe you thought it was simple admiration for a superhero. But that mental image of R-Patz in thick black eyeliner for his bat mask made you start to question yourself. Could you … have a crush on Batman? He fits the usual archetype of the men you crush on: tall, dark hair, a little angry, mostly morally good and sort of punk rock.
So, you decide to give it a chance. The first date is total chaos. Batman—not Bruce Wayne, you only want to date Batman—appears behind you without a sound as you wait outside the restaurant. His cape flaps in the wind, alerting you to his presence. You scream. He just stares at you like you’re overreacting.
You’re guided to your table by a very confused and suspicious waiter, and even though you sit down immediately, Batman has to take his time smoothing out his cape and trying to squeeze his giant frame between the seat and the table.
It’s a weird date. Mainly because he doesn’t even try to speak. You talk at him to fill the silence. When you ask him questions about himself, you receive grunts in response. At least it seems like Batman listens attentively.
You aren’t turned off by his weirdness for some reason and invite him to the family barbeque for date number two. He gives you a nod in agreement, and when you turn back to him after the waiter hands you the bill, you realize he’s gone. Huh.
The weekend of the barbeque, Batman is late. Like, two hours late. He shows up on your roof in the silent way he does, and you roll your eyes, inviting him to join the festivities. When you accost him about his lack of punctuality, he finally speaks aloud: “Forgot that you wouldn’t have the bat signal at this thing.”
After enduring one additional week of weird dates, you realize that Batman is not built for boyfriend-ing. He doesn’t have a phone, so you never know if he’ll show up on time. The few times you get him to talk, he just gushes over some guy named Gordon, who you suspect is his secret lover. The other times you’re together, he looks like he’s moping, or he whispers something about not having parents.
Besides that, he has literally no sense of humor. He hates every joke you make. Actually, you can’t tell if he hates your jokes because he always has the same, flat expression on his face. And has he ever been outside before? Because he looks slightly confused when you bring up pop culture references, just trying to find something he can relate to.
Not to mention Batman arrested your brother at the family barbeque. Oh yeah, that happened. Batman had suddenly disappeared from the party and, just when you’d figured he’d left, he’d come back to the rest of the family dragging your brother behind him and yelling about how bad marijuana is for you.
You dumped him. He didn’t seem to mind. But now every time you walk down a street, you have to look up to make sure he’s not perched somewhere nearby, because that would be a super awkward way to run into an ex.