Virginity not all-inclusive term

What is virginity? Of course, the simple answer—as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary—is, “the state of never having had sexual intercourse: the state of being a virgin.” This definition makes sense on first glance, but upon further thought is vague and outdated, leaving much to be desired. The state of “being a virgin” has traditionally been esteemed as valuable and expected for young girls and women before marriage. Such cultures believed females should only lose their virginities once married in order to consummate the marriage and to bear children. Emphasis was placed on the actual breaking of the woman’s hymen as the point at which she was no longer a virgin—there is much more background to this and surrounding religious beliefs. This also explains the lack of emphasis on male virginity.

Fast-forward to today’s Western culture: it is generally accepted that women do not need to “keep” their virginities until marriage; we now understand that the hymen can break before a woman ever engages in sexual intercourse and we acknowledge that other sexualities beyond heterosexuality exist.

How should we, as a society, go about defining virginity regarding non-heteronormative sexualities? And is it even important that we define it? For lesbian women, one might say they actually never lose their virginities if they never have sex with a male, while others would argue any penetration or oral sex counts as a “loss” of virginity. If we decided to define sex in that way for lesbians or bisexual women, though, there is a disconnect—what we would consider sex for them would still be “third base” for heterosexual partners. Likewise, if we defined “loss” of virginity for gay men as anal sex, would we then consider it a loss of virginity for heterosexual individuals as well?

It’s a complicated issue with many facets and it makes me question why we care so much about virginity in the first place. Of course, one’s first sexual experiences are landmarks in one’s life—oftentimes meaningful—but perhaps we’re getting too caught up in history’s idea that virginity is something certain with definite precincts.

Another reason I question the importance we place on virginity is the underlying sexism that seems to come along with it. Our culture maintains aspects of history’s assessment of female virgins as pure, while those who are not virgins are somehow tainted. This certainly is not aligned with modern culture, yet we have kept some of these judgments. The double standard for men and women also still exists. It’s socially acceptable for “boys to be boys” and to engage in sexual experiences as early and as often as they wish, while we inhibit such activity for girls through slut-shaming.

It seems people today define virginity in many different ways for many different reasons, but nobody really discusses these divides or the emotional costs associated with them. I don’t have an answer on how to mend this issue and I acknowledge that various people from various walks of life will never see eye-to-eye on the topic. Still, I believe the social constructs surrounding virginity are undoubtedly worth conversation and exploration.

Drug usage creates unique pleasures in consensual sex

If sober sex is a taboo subject, sex under the influence of one’s favorite substance is restricted material. It’s important to remember that consent cannot be fully given by either party while under the influence—though there are times when you and an intimate partner may want to knock boots while boozed-up or baked. First and foremost, you and your partner should discuss having sex before using mind-altering substances. Both parties should fully consent—while sober—to having sex while intoxicated.

For many, their first sexual experiences—especially in college—may be under the influence of alcohol. This is not the type of sex that I am referring to; bringing a stranger home from a party rarely results in hyper-passionate intimacy.

Alcohol is well known as a social lubricant, but it can also be a sexual door opener. If someone is normally reserved in their sexual behavior, operating under the influence may open up doors that would have otherwise remained closed. For example, anal sex is often considered the ultimate taboo and is final frontier of sexual exploration for many. While someone may be very apprehensive to try anal play while sober, the experience may be more enticing and exciting while drunk.

Marijuana—used legally, of course—can be used in a similar way. The use of cannabis can result in different sensations depending on which strain of herb is consumed, but some of the most common effects of marijuana use are enhanced sensations. This can include taste, hearing and touch sensations. Logically, having loud, passionate oral sex while high can result in an intense sexual experience that may be difficult to replicate while sober.

Another effect of marijuana use is an increase in creativity. This means that sexual experiences while high may result in totally unique and awesome encounters. Marijuana may allow you and your partner to think outside the box when it comes to your sexualities.

A commonly reported effect of both alcohol and marijuana use is an increase in sexual desires as a whole. For two consenting adults, this can result in passionate, intense sexual encounters. It’s important to remember, however, that pushing someone into having sex while they’re inebriated is not only morally reprehensible—it is rape.

It can be hard to define the line between someone having a buzz and being unable to consent to sexual activity—especially while at college. As it was described to me early on in my college career, if you cannot get a firm and clear “Yes” from your partner after they’ve had a few drinks, then there is no consent. “Yes means yes” is a better way to think about consent than “No means no.”

Drugs—when used legally and responsibly by consenting adults—can result in distinct and remarkable sexual experiences. Whether you want to experience new things with a longtime partner or simply wish to try something new with your next Tinder date, alcohol and legal marijuana can be gateways to extraordinary escapades.

Sexual relationships improve with age

Sex is a large part of many college students’ lives. Our sexual lifestyle from freshmen year to senior year and beyond can change immensely. Everyone becomes more comfortable with their bodies and with their sexual interactions with other people. This generally makes a person more willing to experiment and try new things. One’s notions and views on sex and their sexual partners change as people begin to understand more about how they function and how they expect their partner to function in bed.

In modern society, there is a strong focus on the number of sexual partners you have had and how often you have sex with them, rather than concentrating on finding one or two people you really feel comfortable with—people who respond to your needs to your full advantage.

The goals and expectations that students may have had early on in their sexual history may grow or change with time. Oftentimes, in the beginning of the relationship, a person will be too reserved to properly communicate their needs or wants with their partner. As a result, they might come out of the sexual experience feeling unsatisfied.

Many straight women—when having sex at an early age—tend to look up to their partner in order to provide the most satisfaction possible. The male partner will often take the lead in sexual activities, and as women get older, they become surer about what they want and take charge more.

If there is disparity in attention when regarding the needs of sexual partners, it might make the sex feel disjointed and bland. Sexual experience plays a big part in what you may expect from a sexual encounter and in what you’re looking for in a partner.

As you get older and become more selective about your sexual partners, you may feel more comfortable with them. People are willing to slow down, relax, enjoy every part of sex, experiment with new sexual techniques and fully understand how you respond to each other’s touches. As people age, they may become more comfortable with their bodies and have less insecurities about themselves.

Many people feel it is easier to talk about sex and to engage in sexual conversations as they become older. Sex used to be an activity seldom spoken about—a secret kept between you and another person that was never really discussed. Now, it’s a topic you can openly discuss—and work to improve. It transitions from being awkward to relaxing and enjoyable.

Overall, sex does get better as you get older due to a greater awareness of your personal desires, increased openness to being vulnerable and a stronger understanding of how to communicate with your partner when engaging in an intimate affair.

The psychology of casual sex

At some point in almost every college student’s life, they’ve had to make personal decisions regarding the time they’ve spent between the sheets. Young adults are often caught trying to figure out what kind of sexual relationship they seek from another person—whether it’s emotional, purely sexual or somewhere in between.

These decisions and choices are somewhat made through societal constructs, as well as through one’s own personal expectations. This stirs up the debate about how we have evolved as a society; a society that has somewhat shifted from perceiving casual sex as wholly immoral to one where casual sex is seen as an activity just as common as eating pizza.

In a world where casual sex is so easy to partake in—thanks to such social media outlets as Tinder and Grindr—technology has allowed for non-intimate relationships to blossom and to grow increasingly prevalent worldwide. Something this omnipresent should be examined from a psychological standpoint—examining whether or not there are psychological or emotional repercussions to having casual sex.

A lens that can be used in order to examine the repercussions of this behavior can be through gender binaries. For instance, the 2014 Journal of Sex Research study “Risky business: Is there an association between casual sex and mental health among emerging adults?” looked at heterosexual college students between the ages of 18–25. In the study, they compared the number of men who had engaged in casual sexual relationships to the number of women that had engaged in the same activities. The study showed that 18.6 percent of men—compared to the 7.4 percent of women—had casual sex in the past month.

These types of studies lead people to believe that men engage in more casual sex than women. But in a society where sexual activity is often more oppressive to females than it is to males, more males typically welcome sex as a normal healthy addition to their daily lives.

The mental repercussions from casual sex may only affect females based on the societal restrictions put on a female’s sexuality. She might feel it is wrong to engage in a sexual act when there isn’t an emotional connection with the other person. The same kind of pressure could be put on a male because the predominant heteronormative male culture promotes constructs that encourage men to engage in copious amounts of sex with numerous sexual partners.  

An additional study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2015 examined the idea that there might be multiple factors in which casual sexual activity affects people. The study found that casual sex that was done for non-autonomous reasons had psychological repercussions. For example, if someone was casually having sex with someone else for revenge purposes or solely to make the other person happy in an abusive relationship, that reasoning could lead to psychological issues. But if a person was having casual sex for autonomous reasons—purely for self-satisfaction, for example—they were, for the most part, unaffected by this activity.

The conclusion of the question of whether or not casual sex is good or bad is that it’s purely subjective and changes from person to person. Overall, when engaging in casual or emotional sex, it should always be done with consent and will give you the most satisfaction when done for self-fulfillment.

Assessing the societal influence of pornography

Pornography is a controversial topic that many people think about, but avoid broaching aloud. Because porn has become ubiquitous on the Internet and its influence infiltrates media and pop culture—whether or not you’re supportive of its presence—it’s a subject wanting discussion. We’re living in a society saturated with pornified messages.

Surrounding the matter of porn are innumerable issues such as legality, morality, industry abuse, regulations for safety—or lack thereof—and more. Although I’m interested in the scope of those impugns, tackling them is a venture for another time and place. In this article, my focus is a cursory consideration of conventional porn’s more obvious and direct influences within our culture.

With pornographic content more widely and freely available than ever before, explicit content in other forms of media such as advertisements, television shows, movies and magazines have increased as well and become a norm. I believe these realities pose both positive and negative implications for our society.

Based on my individual beliefs and educational background, I don’t believe that the notion of porn itself is damaging. In fact, I credit it for the certain progressivism that has occurred as a result. It seems to me that porn has helped open the doors to more free and comfortable conversations about sexual experiences and human anatomy, as well as conventionally ignored or unrepresented areas including female pleasure and non-cis and non-heterosexual populations.

The abundance and accessibility of porn has helped—and is still helping—to normalize sex and to curtail embarrassment surrounding sexual desire. I consider this enlightenment within our culture. I believe its influence and permeation of more mainstream media has also had positive effects, such as encouraging honest conversations about sex between television and movie characters as well as the introduction of more LGBTQ+ characters.

I am, however, not blind to various negative consequences that have resulted from mainstream media’s “pornification.” While porn’s influence on mainstream media content does launch progressive discourse about various subjects I’ve touched on, in other ways, it serves as a fortification of harmful social constructs and stereotypes.

Like other media platforms, porn does possess a large concentration of material that reinforces our culture’s socially constructed heterosexual “male-gaze,” as well as preconceived perceptions of femininity as subordinate to masculinity.

It can also support racial stereotypes through race-based categories that exploit typecast fixation—such as Asian massage porn or black big beautiful women porn, which both present stereotypes. This also helps to maintain white privilege, as neither white male nor female porn is austerely categorized with any particular mania or specialization. These themes not only reify detrimental ideas and standards for specific genders, races and ethnicities, but they also magnify them. It’s cyclical—mainstream media take advantage of people’s conceptions of sexual reality, thus continuing or amplifying these trends in less explicit portrayals while standardizing them even more.

When it comes down to it, I don’t believe porn itself is detrimental to society. I believe social constructions and society’s blind acceptance of them is problematic, for they allow the cycle of damaging messages to perpetuate and porn is a platform in which these messages can thrive.

While I’m only able to scratch the surface of the complexity of societal implications of pornographic material in this article—I haven’t even touched on body image ideals—I hope to encourage people’s conversations on the topic and all that it encompasses. I intend only to inspire reflection about the negative and positive influences of porn and other explicit material in our own personal lives and in society as a whole. 

“Slut-shaming” archaic, detrimental to social progress

For years, conventional American social constructs and sex education have helped to perpetuate “slut-shaming” by promoting the unnerving notion that partaking in sexual activity—especially with multiple partners—negatively alters a woman’s moral or intellectual standing. As comedian John Oliver noted in his “Last Week Tonight” segment on sex education, “This idea that sex is something which devalues those who have had it—particularly women—crops up again and again.” The shaming of women for having sex is not only archaic and absurd, but it can prove to be detrimental to young adults learning about human sexuality.

This abhorrent perpetuation of “slut-shaming” not only devalues and dismisses a woman’s right to choose to engage in sexual activity, but it also serves to turn women against one another rather than promoting openness and support regarding a woman’s sexual experiences. I don’t like to remember it, but I recall—like I’m sure many other women do—chatting at lockers or lunch tables with fellow freshmen females in high school and shaking our heads as we heard about what “slut” slept with *insert popular boy here.*

Looking back now as an open-minded and sexually empowered 20-year-old college student, my indignation and anger is not so much directed at my young and naïve self, but rather at these socially-construed messages targeted toward other young women and myself. The aim of these constructs were—and are—used to convince us that sexual activity is unequivocally equated with a lack of self-respect or morality. Rooted in misogyny, these messages—coupled with the sexual objectification of women in media—impart an idea of male power and control that still continues to hurt and hinder women to this day.   

Women are sexual beings that have desires and curiosities just like men do—and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with a woman having sex, but there is something wrong with social standards that seek to demean and disempower women in the realm of human sexuality, which is something—as Oliver emphasized—that “unlike calculus is something you need to know about for the rest of your life.”

While personal growth and education can eradicate the problematic perception of women and sex from one’s psyche, the sad fact remains that many people still do stand by it. If we are to progress forward as a nation in terms of gender equality, this is one area that drastically needs to change. Sex is a normal, human activity that women should be able to participate in consensually without fear of being looked at as a bad person or a “slut.” Women deserve to have access to honest and open information about sex so that they can stay safe and healthy if they choose to become sexually active. It’s 2016, not the time of The Scarlet Letter. 

I don’t think I can conclude this anymore fittingly than with a quote—again—from “Last Week Tonight’s” revamped sexual education talk featuring actresses Laverne Cox, Kristen Schaal and Megan Mullally: “A woman who’s had sex is not like a dirty shoe. A woman who’s had sex is like a shoe with laces—completely fucking normal.”

G-Spot: Critique of monogamy as socially constructed ideal

Western culture seems to aggressively preach the happily-ever-after fairytale of monogamy. We grow up watching movies in which the endings almost always include the male and female protagonists getting married—or the implication that they will be married and forever content with only one another. This is portrayed as a life goal to young children and, as they mature, the societal message remains fairly consistent.

If this is the lesson ingrained in us—as we’re absorbing it from such young ages—why is infidelity so rampant in committed monogamous relationships? I can’t help but question the cogency of the belief that exclusivity with a single partner is always the ideal arrangement.

My objective is not to condemn the institution of monogamy or marriage—I know many happy, faithful couples and I consider myself to be solely interested in such a model—I simply aim to express my concern about it being taught as the end-all-be-all structure of success. Furthermore, the idea that romance is necessarily crucial to any individual’s fulfillment in the first place is not entirely valid.

It appears though that society is developing an increasingly progressive and open-minded view about intimacy and commitment. Personally, I believe the Internet and reality television are two of the major influences on this emerging change. The Internet is an extraordinary tool that allows us to express ourselves anonymously, letting anyone and everyone voice their true desires and practices of infidelity without judgment or consequences.

Through reality television, we get glimpses into couples’ cheating issues—even if these reality shows are actually scripted, the public views them through the lens of reality and relates them to their own situations. With the Ashley Madison leak earlier this year, it became clear just how common cheating is—especially because Ashley Madison is only one of the countless resources people can use to become involved in such escapades.

I return to my original meditation: perhaps the tradition of monogamy as idyllic is naïve. Of course, couples can successfully engage in it and achieve the happily-ever-after, but it seems clear that the model does not work for everyone. Just as I am familiar with many couples living out that dream, I also know just as many couples—if not more—who have suffered heartbreak because the archetype proved itself to be unrealistic. It’s conceivable that if the expectation of monogamy had never existed as the only acceptable constitution, an honest conversation could have occurred and a bond of shared understanding of occasional, meaningless “cheating” could have been formed as a healthy tolerance of one another’s humanness.

Not all cultures practice monogamy or the concept of marriage, nor do most other species. In fact, evolutionary instincts would seem to point at exactly the opposite: mate with as many others in one’s community as possible, as frequently as possible.

Particularly with the recent phenomenon of hookup culture in Western society—mostly amongst young people—the notion of following the prescription of monogamy looks like it’s becoming outdated. I’ve noticed that rising generations are increasingly becoming more experimental in how they participate in intimacy and romance. In addition, many couples—monogamous or not—are choosing not to get married at all. Some people are even foregoing the concept of dating altogether, preferring sexual intimacy without labels.

There are endless configurations for how individuals can assemble their sex lives, dating lives, and marriages because even in marriage, some partners recognize that their physical desires may sometimes need to trickle outside the conventional bounds of matrimony.

Questioning socially-created standards for relationships is nothing new, but it is only just now becoming widely accepted and sometimes encouraged. Writing in the early 1800s, author Jane Austen subtly implied in most of her works that the traditional boy-meets-girl story was unreasonable—a risky position to voice during that era. Today, such sentiments are commonly expressed and seem to be attracting positive reactions and support.

My reflection on this topic leads me to conclude that accepting messages that preach monogamy as the only course relationships should take is not only unrealistic, but also damaging to those people grappling with conflicting desires. I believe Western culture's current transition toward approval of unconventional forms of intimacy and relationships is enlightened and should be nurtured.

G-spot: Challenging "accepted" bedroom behavior

What do a 19th-century German sexologist and Canadian rapper Drake have in common? Rumors over the summer circulated about how Drake enjoyed getting his ass eaten by a female fan. This sex act is colloquially referred to as “rimming”––or more technically anilingus. I found out that, unsurprisingly, this sex act is not at all new and has been an area of interest to serious researchers since sexologist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing published Psychopathia Sexualis in 1886.

Titled “Warning: A Column on Butt Play,” this NYMag article published on April 8, 2014 proclaimed that “butt-stuff is such a thing,” citing Cosmopolitan and Playboy articles that centered on participation in the act. What I’m getting at is not that rimming and other anal-related sex acts are now “in,” but rather that people are now being honest about participating in them.

My experience as a gay man informs me––especially from squeamish straight friends––that these sex acts are relegated as queer since they deviate from the supposedly traditional male-into-female penetration scheme. Yet the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention––also cited in the NYMag article––notes that 44 percent of straight men and 36 percent of women have had anal sex. This means––since the gays are tragically less abundant––the larger portion of anal sex is happening between straight people.

All of this is meant to highlight that people of all sexualities have much more varied bedroom experiences then we would like to believe. The perception and shame around anal activities seems to be hygiene-related, on the surface level.

For the greater good, let it be known that rimming can be hygienic and absolutely safe—“normal” if you’d like. Cleaning just like you would any other part of the body will prevent unfortunate consequences; a dental dam will provide a barrier if desired. Communication and consent are obviously essential and should occur before any of us start exploring new and exciting territories on our partner(s).

Since everyone has a butt, its androgyny is likely more subtle in aversion to rimming as men might view this as an emasculation. These men should just get over it. Just like oral sex, reciprocity, if desired, should be stressed. Any shame you may have is understandable, but try to remember that none of these sex acts are new under the sun and that you have no reason to feel bad about what you desire.

Rapper Nicki Minaj might help us to begin to see rimming without negative stigma. On her new single “Only” featuring Drake, she raps, “Let em’ eat my ass like a cupcake.” Beside the dig at Drake, Minaj is likening the sex act to tasty desserts. The hope of all this discussion is a departure of shame from other sex acts. We as a culture are slowly, honestly beginning to admit that our sex acts are infinitely more varied than just images of “vanilla” sex.

On behalf of Drake, Minaj and myself, I urge you to try to broaden your horizons and let go of outdated and restricting models of sex so you can enjoy new intimacies you might be missing out on.

G-spot: The dangers of double standards

In a world where a name or category exists for almost everything, it can be incredibly difficult to resist the urge to label people. This is especially true for the millennial generation—a population of technologically savvy 20-something to 30-something year-olds who basically coined the term “hookup culture.” As a 20-year-old college student, I’ve noticed that within this “culture” there are many double standards and stereotypes that judge and label based on certain actions and behaviors of individuals or groups. As a result, we have the latest human sexuality neologism: slut-shaming—making a person feel guilty for certain sexual actions that contradict conventional gender expectations or roles.

The popular and satirical––and usually on point––online dictionary of slang and phrases Urban Dictionary defines slut-shaming as “an unfortunate phenomenon in which people degrade or mock a woman because she enjoys having sex, has sex a lot or may even just be rumored to participate in sexual activity.”

The label “slut” is a product of the “hookup culture” in college and is especially prevalent for females, who are shamed by both their female counterparts and other males for being “too promiscuous” or open with their sexual endeavors. A woman’s expressed sexuality and confidence is deemed as “slutty,” “loose” or “easy.”

Women in particular are incredibly judgmental of one another—and even with themselves––when it comes to causal sex. I’ve overheard various conversations among college girlfriends who, after recounting a fun weekend, begin to regret going home with “that guy” or hooking up with someone while drunk and their friend will shockingly agree.

If in the moment she feels attraction and is having fun with no harm done, why is this shame so heavy? If she is at a party flirting or wearing something that she chose to wear, why should others judge her when she is clearly expressing her sexual freedom?

For men, however, it seems to be more acceptable when they express their sexuality. It’s alright when they talk and joke about hooking up with a girl or multiple girls over the course of a weekend and a couple of beers. Yet, females feel guilt or humiliation when they do the same—or they avoid it all together by not discussing it.

We are all sexual beings with emotional and physical desires, wants and needs. Slut-shaming is a way of putting someone down to either feel more powerful or to avoid insecurities. And when someone does it to themselves, it shows how our society—a predominately Christian-influenced American society—has made sex seem like a bad thing for women to talk about or even express.

Regardless of the reasons behind slut shaming, it is a term that comes out of a misled, misinformed misogynistic culture that has contributed to the degradation of females and confusion of sexual freedom with predatory motives or the “easiness” of a girl.

While the actual “slut” does not exist per se, the reality of the shaming does and so do the negative externalities that come with it, making all the more reason to end it.

G-Spot: The Lamron staff debates anal sex

We’ve all thought about butt stuff at one point or another. Maybe you like it, maybe you hate it, but everyone has an opinion on the matter. No one is “indifferent” about anal sex. According to Kinsey Confidential, only about 10 percent of heterosexual couples have had anal sex in the past year. So why do people feel so pressured to perform anal? To me, butt sex is something strange and mysterious. The best way I can describe my fears is by relating it to a champagne bottle––the penis being the cork and the bottle being the anus. The champagne is, well, feces. There is so much pressure built up and when you open a bottle of champagne, or take your penis out of the anus … well I’m sure you can imagine. There is also the chance that your anus can prolapse if the sex is too rough.

My boyfriend has three reasons why he wants to have anal sex. He said, “I hear from my friends and other ‘non-credible’ sources about how totally dope and great it feels.” Then he goes into his second reason: being that anal is a fairly taboo topic, it makes it dirtier and more mysterious. He therefore has more of a desire to obtain and explore the option. His third reason is simply because he wants to be able to say he has had anal sex.

Members of The Lamron staff shared their feelings as well. The girls mostly agreed that anal sex is something that doesn’t need to be done. The general sentiment was: You’re so close to a perfectly good vagina. It’s right there. Just use that.

“For some reason, in heterosexual relationships, guys seem to be obsessed with trying anal sex,” said arts & entertainment editor junior Allyson Pereyra.

The boys had other ideas. “I believe Robert Frost was talking about anal sex when he wrote, ‘Two roads diverged in a wood and I––I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference,’” managing editor junior Kevin Frankel said. “Just have fun and be safe with it.”

“Much of the stigma surrounding anal sex stems from the fetishization of women as objects that can be exposed, used and treated however their male partner wishes,” associate photo editor senior Sean Russell explained. “Personally, I think it comes down to individual preference and responsibility.”

Sports editor junior Taylor Frank added, “For me, anal sex seems like something to knock off a sexual bucket list. The issues that come up with butt stuff far outweigh the guarantee of no pregnancy.”

Staff photographer senior Kenneth Santos shared a more existential point of view. “Who cares where you put your dick, we’re all going to die anyway,” he said. “Anal sex is just a social construct. It’s all just sex.”

Anal sex is definitely something to be talked about with your partner, heterosexual or otherwise. I suggest talking through the act before just diving into something that you think is an expectation from your partner. Much like having vaginal sex for the first time, it is special and different.