Perhaps it’s TikTok that has turned me into this miserable, cantankerous villain with an aversion for any early Christmas celebrations—yes, I know, abhorrently similar to the grinch. Hauntingly, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” has found its way to my ‘for you’ page on TikTok in the form of an increasingly popular video audio despite the fact that it is still autumn. I cannot hear those first few chimes without punching the closest bystander in the face. I need you to stop bringing up Christmas at any point in the year besides the month of December.
I acknowledge that the fact that I’m writing this article in October makes me one of the cruel perpetrators of Christmasification, and I hate myself for it. You’ve left me with no choice, fellow semi-adults. Apparently it’s not enough for you to have a few holidays between now and Chr*stmas, including the best holiday—Halloween—of the year. No. You have to mar the orange and yellow months with your gaudy red and green, your white winter wishes. Truly a horrific color combination, to be frank.
If you don’t want to be subjected to my absolute wrath, follow some simple rules. No Christmas music until December. This one is blatantly obvious. If you’re an individual over the age of 20, you’ve been listening to the same Christmas songs for two decades. Haven’t you had enough yet?
No pine-scented candles until it snows. For starters, I’m allergic to pine. Otherwise it’s just disrespectful to fill the air with anything other than the scents of pumpkin, nutmeg, cider and dried leaves. If the candle flame isn’t the same color as your candle, I’m going to show up to your house just to confiscate it. You don’t deserve the privilege of owning a candle in fall if you can’t pick the right kinds of candles.
Please keep your Christmas movies to yourself. No one wants to watch Christmas movies in the fall. This is the season of macabre rot and decay, the contemplation of mortality and the dark. Now is not the time for fluffy snow and smiling snowmen.
Choose your beverages with care. There’d better be some kind of spice in that bad boy. Nothing too sweet or marshmallow-y. Even hot chocolate is pushing it. I really hope you’d choose to order a hot drink at this time of year, or you’re a level of chaotic that neither me nor the Christmas folks can ever hope to comprehend.
Seriously, though, if your head is in December already, you’re missing the allure of the fall. A walk through Geneseo as the leaves crunch beneath your boots is unmatched. The scent of cool air, the feeling of holding a hot drink in both of your ungloved hands. You can keep an eye out for squirrels and try to befriend them. You can smile at dogs as they’re being walked before it gets too cold for them to be outside.
So, no, I don’t want to think about Christmas right now. I don’t want to think about anything other than the season of the witch and seeing anything other than snow outside my window. Try it out, maybe you’ll like living in the present with me. Oh, and please don’t blast Mariah Carey near my house or you will witness me having a breakdown right there on the spot.