When social distancing began, many couples were separated from each other, which many worried would cause strain on their relationships, but it turns out Zoom™ relationships are the way to go!
Couples are reporting loving their partners more than ever, with many citing the option to be able to mute them as the reason for the strong gains in their relationship.”
Kelly Stalin is ecstatic with the results of her Zoom™ relationship, saying “Oh my gawwwd Kyle and I are doing sooo much better now that we’ve moved to a virtual relationship. Now I get to mute him when he talks about his gym bro nonsense and I can focus on shopping for the cutest shoes with my stimulus check.”
Who doesn’t love shoes? Anyways, Kyle McYuk, Stalin’s boyfriend, agrees that Zoom™ has really relieved him of a lot of stress from the relationship.
McYuk stated, “Yo dawg I’m so happy that chick Kelly can’t show up at my frat house anymore when I’m trying to work my magic on those Delta Melta Schmelta girls, social distancing can’t stop me from getting liiiit! Since we’ve moved to this Zoom™ relationship it’s made balancing my love life so much easier, because I can have Kelly on one call, mute her, and pretend I’m losing connection, then hit up Stephanie on Facetime, and then go back to Kelly later.”
Just wonderful isn’t it? Just from this one couple’s statements you can see how beneficial Zoom™ relationships can be. Now I know you may be thinking, “but what about the physical affection I crave due to crippling loneliness and the impending doom of humanity,” don’t worry we’ve got you covered there too!
Have you been on Twitter all day and realized that we’re all probably going to burn in hell and now you really need a hug? Because same! That’s why we’ve invented the CuddleBuddy2000™! It’s our take on the classic “boyfriend” (more like Zoom™friend now, am I right?) pillow. Our innovative CuddleBuddy2000™ comes with a transparent pocket to insert your smartphone so you can Zoom™ call and feel like you’re cuddling that special someone!
Devoted customer, Kelsey Mussolini , said “I love the CuddleBuddy2000™! My boyfriend is a vacuous pit of useless information anyways, so now I can mute him on our Zoom™ call and snuggle in peace.”
Kelsey’s boyfriend, Tyler McLovin’, also praised the product saying, “I’m so happy I don’t have to cuddle with Kelsey in person anymore. She’s always cold and literally tries to kick herself under me like I’m some sort of meat blanket. Thanks to the CuddleBuddy2000™ Kelsey still gets her cuddles while we’re Zooming™ each other, and I get to heal the torn disc in my back from her kicking.”
The great thing is the CuddleBuddy2000™ works great for you worthless singles as well! We’re just kidding, you might be pitiful, but never worthless. Anyways, you can put any picture in our CuddleBuddy2000’s™ signature transparent pocket! Has Harry from “Too Hot to Handle” caught your eye? Throw ‘em on in there! Have you just always wanted to cop a squeeze of America’s ass? You can just insert a picture of Chris Evans with ease!
This of course works with women too, but we’re not going to list them because we know men are too busy sending unsolicited dick pics on Tinder to read this. Plus hey, as Childish Gambino says “hoes is hoes is hoes, man”.
Now if you’re thinking, “wow that sounded heteronormative and sexist,” you’re correct, that’s our marketing strategy, hence why the universe is trying to rid the Earth of humanity.
If you need any further convincing, we asked Matt from Sigma Ligma—who was too intoxicated to provide his last name—what he thought of our products, and he said “Yea boiiiiiiiii,” so as you can see, it’s cool guy approved.
So all we’ve got left to say is: Hey babe wanna Zoom™ and chill?
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece
Couples can use Zoom™ and it’s endless features to not only stay in touch, but have a happier, healthier relationship (Courtesy of acreativegangster on Unsplash).