Alexandros Anton (pictured above) was let go after a series of incidents including but not limited to: a run-in with the police, withholding coworkers property, and generally being too cuckoo for clementines.
The Lamron’s Sports Editor Alexandros Anton was sadly—we’re saying that for professionalism—fired from the team after a string of unfortunate events in which Anton’s cynicism and contempt for “the man” brought him down.
The first incident was on a warm day in April just as social distancing efforts for COVID-19 had been announced. Anton and his frisbee teammates decided to play one last game at Highland Park when the police were called due to a large gathering of 30 to 40 people. Anton then proceeded to get in an altercation with the police, whacking one of them over the head with a frisbee while yelling, “the man is trying to suppress us!”
While The Lamron executive board found this behavior concerning, they chalked it up to Anton not having his daily ration of clementines that morning, leading him to be a tad grumpy and having this hippie-like outburst.
While this incident was overlooked, Anton began to exhibit some other problematic behavior: boomer vibes. While Anton is only 22 years old, he consistently reprimanded the staff for their reliance on technology and lack of social skills. Also, for some reason, he kept saying “back in my day” before telling stories.
This culminated in Anton hiding all the computers in The Lamron office and replacing them with typewriters. He told the rest of the executive board that “the old fashion way is always best” and then sold the computers for more clementines.
Anton also made all staff members place their cell phones in a locked drawer in the sports desk in The Lamron Office, which forced them to begin recording interviews by pen and paper. The University Police Department was eventually able to restrain Anton and retrieve the staff’s cell phones.
This behavior was combined with Anton exhibiting incredibly conflicting vibes. One day Anton was wearing a headband and preaching that he was “a lover not a fighter.” The next day, he was staring down townies who irked him and complaining that people these days “don’t care about each other like they used to.”
Keeping up with Anton’s ever-changing vibes confused the staff and induced an incredible amount of stress, as they were simply unsure what mindset the sports editor would be in day to day.
Between these problems and the constant blabbering that The Lamron should have an Ultimate Frisbee beat, Editor-in-Chief Julia Skeval fired Anton for the good of the team, stating, “while Dros was not the right fit for our team, we wish him all the best.”
As Anton left the office, The Lamron’s prior Arts and Entertainment editor, Madelyn Dewey, returned from her study abroad just to remind him once more that frisbee was not a real sport and threw a clementine at his head.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece