In an unfortunate turn of events, The Lamron was forced to fire writer and Copy Editor W.C. Hoag on Wednesday April 29 to avoid an expensive lawsuit and other worse things. Ironically, the paper’s successful “WTF” column—pioneered and continued weekly by Hoag for the Arts and Entertainment section—was the writer’s definitive downfall.
This collapse of an era began when Hoag tweeted at Shea Serrano, writer for The Ringer, with a link to a “WTF” article about Serrano himself. Despite being compared to a “pizza rat” in the article, Serrano generously retweeted Hoag’s link, commenting “retweeting this so people can read it even though you pretty much called me a rodent carrying a piece of pizza smh this is the nicest thing i have ever done.”
Hoag’s career spiral began when Serrano’s retweet caught the attention of The Ringer itself. After a thorough evaluation of Hoag’s previous “WTF” work, the blog’s management team hastily contacted The Lamron’s Editor-in-Chief, Julia Skeval.
“At first I thought they were FBI agents,” Skeval said. “They came to The Lamron’s office dressed in black suits and ties. They said they were there to talk about Cal—W.C. Hoag— and told me that ‘he had to go, or else.’”
The Ringer’s management team, the names of whom will remain anonymous for legal purposes, offered a vague explanation for their actions.
“Hoag’s writing was getting a little too close to The Ringer’s brand for our comfort,” one anonymous employee said. “We needed him to back off. Who gave him the right to be that funny? It’s like, I need to keep my job, man.”
After this threatening debacle with The Ringer, Hoag bravely refused to quit writing. He gained an even larger audience for his “WTF” column through self-promotion with his twitter, @w_c_hoag. Alas, this newfound internet fame constituted one brief moment of euphoria before Hoag’s ultimate termination.
A certain Big Company—whose name we can only allude to through euphemism in this article due to legal barriers—is to blame for Hoag’s termination. Hoag has a history of hating This Company—you know, the one that begins with “D” and ends in “isney”—and has never been afraid to call them out for their transgressions. Eventually, someone very high up in this company made it clear to Hoag that his slander would no longer be tolerated.
Here at The Lamron, we speculate that employees from The Ringer ratted Hoag out for his defamation of The Company. Frustratingly, no one would confess to snitching, and all employees of The Ringer refused to explicitly mention The Company’s name.
“We didn’t want to have to call in the Big Boss, but W.C. refused to quit,” one employee from The Ringer said. “By the way, is W.C. even a real name? Who does this guy think he is?”
The Company sought out Hoag and set up a time with him at The Lamron’s office in Geneseo, but only one man showed up to the meeting—we can only assume that this was the Big Boss of The Company. Skeval claims to have been an eyewitness to Hoag’s meeting, and remains shaken by the experience days later.
“I’m pretty sure I saw … I don’t know, don’t make me sound crazy,” Skeval said. “But I can say that the man who spoke to our Walter Callahan Hoag looked really familiar, a lot like another, very famous Walter. You know what I’m saying?”
Even after Hoag’s allegedly terrifying meeting with the Big Boss of The Company, he still refused to voluntarily stop writing for The Lamron.
“I just want the public to know the truth,” Hoag said. “I won’t be silenced.”
Hoag had more to say after this quote, but because we are being paid money to shut him up, we won’t record his words here.
“I’m not gonna be the one to fuck with D****y himself,” Skeval said. “Didn’t he die in like 1966? What the fuck was he doing in The Lamron’s office?”
Skeval refused to continue her interview after this comment; the look in her eyes was genuinely frightening. We hope you’re doing okay, Julia.
As of right now, we at The Lamron are unsure of Hoag’s whereabouts. We hope that Hoag has been hired by The Ringer, but … well, we try not to think about what else could’ve happened to him.
Sorry, W.C.! We’ll miss you!
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece
W.C Hoag (pictured above eating his own shirt) had to be let go from The Lamron after he got on he who shall not be named’s bad side.