Diggidy canis callidus
Personally, I cannot wait until the crapture, when our lord and savior Walter Elias Disney will awaken from his cryogenically-frozen slumber to liberate the world from our COVID-19-induced prisons. Every night I pray to Walt, begging the benevolent architect of the entertainment world as we know it to come claim what is his—which is to say, everything.
Like Cthulu stirring beneath the Pacific, I could hear the original imagineer’s call when the Walt Disney Corporation bought out 21st Century Fox. With every acquisition my king grows stronger.
Upon his awakening, the Mouseketeer general will send forth an animation of death to kill the firstborn sons of every Disney denier across the world. Legend has it that television sets worldwide will suddenly awaken with their master; Disney’s eyes will snap open and an animated rodent with dark fur and eyes as empty as classrooms across America will manifest on every available screen. “Diggidy canis callidus,” the rodent will proclaim. Immediately those poor, unenlightened sons will keel over, raving and ranting about which Disney park is superior before exiting this mortal coil.
How might this atrocious animation forgo the houses of dedicated Disneyphiles? The mouse will recognize those bearing his ears as one of his own, though he will remain displeased unless a feast of Mickey Waffles and Dole Whip is held in his honor. In houses that adhere to the guidelines, a jovial “Oh boy!” will be heard, quickly followed by his delightful chuckle—all fears of retribution dispelled.
After purging the world and sending a message to the unfaithful, Walter Elias Disney will prove he is a generous master and bibbidi bobbidi boo the coronavirus from this world. Economies will reawaken at master’s command, and soon life will return to some facsimile of normalcy. Disney theme parks will reopen, and the world’s citizens will be delighted to discover additional attractions that we constructed while the world was on lockdown.
Hollywood will return to action and movie production will begin anew. This time, however, there are no movie studios. Only Disney. Personally, I cannot wait to see the inevitable Avengers and Fast and Furious crossover that is somehow also a rom-com and an allegory for the United States civil rights movement, starring who else but Scarlett Johansson.
No one can hope to oppose him, or even contain him. Florida, the seat of Disney’s power, is already reopening in anticipation of his return—what other explanation could there be for that seemingly dangerous and irresponsible act?
Talk of a “second wave” is misguided. Yes, there will in fact be a second wave, but not of the novel coronavirus. Sooner than you anticipate the world will be hit by a wave of joy and adulation unfelt since Disney’s “death” on Dec. 15, 1966.
In the future, the COVID-19 pandemic will be lauded as the crisis that brought Disney back to us. As humanity files into movie theaters in 2078 to see Toy Story 9: The Rise of John Wick, we’ll all look up and see the genial, handsome face of Walter Elias Disney staring back at us. All that will be left to say is: Walt, thanks friend.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece