Sorry in advance, my dear friend Ginny Weasley: Harry Potter is not a good boyfriend. Honestly, I wish you’d break up with him and maybe go to Hogsmeade with me instead, but hey, whatever, I’m glad it’s working out for you two.
Just so you know, though, I saw Harry walk into a wall the other day. He broke his glasses and then he stood up and pretended nothing happened and kept walking. So there’s that.
And can we talk about how Harry is oblivious to everything that isn’t ‘relevant to Harry’s story?’ He didn’t realize Dumbledore was gay until I told him to his face, and even then, after I explained how many times I’d seen Dumbledore flirting with Snape, he shook his head and refused to believe me. As if he hadn’t walked in on Dumbledore kissing Slughorn in sixth year.
Also, Harry Potter is so, so bad at magic. He needed a cheater’s guide to potions just to pass that class. Every time I tell him his glasses are broken again, he pretends he likes them that way. We both know he just doesn’t remember the spell to fix them.
He drags you to Hagrid’s hut, like, every other day. You two are adults now. You live in a house together. And I know you’ve complained to Harry about the rock cakes. He says it’s rude not to eat them, right? That’s ridiculous. How many teeth have you chipped at this point after trying to bite down on those things?
Don’t get me started on Harry’s friendship with Peeves. Every time I bring it up to him, he laughs it off—but Harry and Peeves are basically best friends. I’ve asked him so many times to end the friendship because Peeves makes my life hell as a professor at Hogwarts, but Harry just pretends not to hear me. It’s just a few pranks, he says—Harry, he literally threw me down a bunch of stairs and broke my ankle.
The three of us can’t even go out to drink together because he can barely stomach one butterbeer. The last time we tried going out, he was loopy and falling asleep on your shoulder after half a glass of Firewhiskey. That’s honestly … pathetic. Plus, I know you can pound 12 butterbeers and barely feel a thing, so stop telling everyone you’re ‘just as sloshed as he is’ whenever he passes out and you have to drag him home.
I know he had beef with Draco Malfoy, but refusing to hang out with any new blonde people seriously makes me question his intelligence. Does he know that not all blonde people are related to the Malfoys? Genuinely curious. How am I supposed to have you guys over to my house for dinner when my mom is blonde?
May I remind you, Ginerva, how many times he’s tried to tell you that you’re ‘flying your broom wrong’ as if he is the authority on the subject? You are a professional quidditch champion! It’s like he keeps forgetting that. Oh right, probably because it’s not ‘relevant to his story.’ Just his fiancée’s story, that’s all.
You’re annoyed with me now, I get it. But I’ll just make one last point: Harry Potter is an Auror. A literal wizard cop, Ginny. If you still don’t think there’s corruption in that wizarding organization somewhere, maybe I don’t want to go to Hogsmeade with you after all.
Anyway, is Luna still single? Asking for a friend.